I remember playing who sank the boat in Miranda’s pool.

I remember going to Niagara Falls on a whim to show my kids how you could have a rainbow without rain.

I remember when Miranda told me she had a bug in her ear and I said impossible. So I got a flashlight and shined it in there and out crawled a winged ant thing.

I remember the silly quaky duck I bought for Christmas and wrapped it and put it under the tree. Every time someone walked past, it talked. I said it was a talking toilet.

I remember buying a stuffed toy in the UP that looked and sounded like an ewok. Hidden in a bag while driving down a shady road, every time the sun hit it it made noise.

I remember Miranda writing her last will and testament (and then hiding) after getting scared in the house while I was out.

I remember driving to California with my kids in that big moving truck and listening to Achy Breaky Heart endlessly and staying at a place called Grumpies.

I remember Melissa saying to me when she was just a wee thing; “Mom, did you know I’m naked under these clothes?”.

I remember Rolling Rosie and Diaper Deb. Miranda lip syncing and dancing to Free Falling while on roller skates and poor Melissa running around naked.

I remember Melissa stealing the hobby horse somewhere in Arizona and disappearing and scaring me to death. (yeah, it’s funny now)

I remember taking Melissa for a horseback ride and her saying it was too bumpy.

I remember walking out of the bathroom with a naked me and Melissa after a bath and there was my neighbor standing there. Miranda kindly let her in and neglected to tell me :p

I remember reading kids books until I had them memorized.

I remember Miranda looking at her messy bedroom after the Northridge earthquake and say “Oh no, look what it did to my room (or something to that effect), when it looked the same as always.

I remember Melissa painting outside at her easel.

I remember my girls dancing in the rain.

I remember building Melissa the most awesome playhouse ever.

I remember Melissa’s letters she wrote me in kid code after I sent them back to Michigan.

I remember building endless Brio railroads that covered the entire living room.

I remember when a bat got in the house and I told Mir to take Lis to her bedroom and shut the door. Then I ran outside, slammed the door and locked myself out.

I remember endless days and nights of Raffi and dancing kids.

I remember Mir trying to pick the lock on our house with a stick and breaking it off in there.

I remember being woke from a dream (about work) because Lis had a sore throat and I saying “Great, now I’ve got to get the screwdriver, open the control panel and…” while Lis is clutching her throat and staring at me.

I remember so many nights of the three of us in my bed.

I remember treasure hunts.

I remember the tooth fairy getting caught with her hand under Miranda’s pillow.

I remember the hammock in California and the time Mir and I were laying in it and we crashed to the ground.

I remember giving Melissa some bread to feed the geese and they were all coming really aggressively and taller than her. At the last second I swooped her up because they weren’t looking too friendly and stood there laughing with her in the air and geese pecking my pant legs.

November 19th, 2008 by sliloh | 9 Comments »

Sometimes that’s a pretty hard thing. Especially forgiving myself. What do I need forgiving for? Being mentally ill, being so depressed that I couldn’t hold it together for my own kids. I know it was beyond my control so why can’t I forgive myself? I think I’m a pretty forgiving person, if it had been anyone else I would have complete sympathy. Well, I do hope I figure out how someday but I must admit I have no idea how, or why it’s so hard for me.

There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. First of all, one must acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong. Secondly, one must then experience feelings of guilt and regret. Finally, one must overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.~http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/share/320

I take full responsibility, I’m full of remorse and shame, it’s the overcoming part I’m having trouble with. So let me voice my regret; To my dear daughters, I’m sorry for all you lost when I became ill. It eats at me that I could not keep it together just when I needed to most. Melissa, it was worse for you. At least your sister was old enough to remember a time that wasn’t like that and a me that wasn’t like that. The worst is, that if I had to go back and do it all again, I don’t think I could have changed the outcome. The outcome has changed me irrevocably as it has both of you. I have always wanted only the best for you, you are my heart.

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As to forgiving others, I think I’m pretty good at that. I don’t hold grudges (much). Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I think I’m pretty easy about that sort of thing.

Just to let you know I’m not a complete angel, I don’t forgive my “friend” with the prosthetic leg who stole my car. I still swear if I ever see him on the street I’ll knock him on his ass and steal his leg and see how he likes having his transportation stolen.

Perhaps I find it easier to forgive unintentional offenses, but then do the others really deserve forgiveness? I know it’s supposed to be for your own peace of mind but I’m not sure I’m capable of that. If they expressed regret, I could forgive easily. If they have no remorse, no they aren’t forgiven.

November 14th, 2008 by sliloh | 11 Comments »

Once, back when my depression was a minor thing and I still believed in myself, I could handle anything thrown at me. Need to work 12 or 16 hours to earn my paycheck? No problem. Need to do it while dealing with a screaming baby? Still no problem. Squeeze in an hour to take my four hour math final? No problem! (I even maxed it). I could do anything. Now I have to portion myself out, physically and mentally. No more just seeing what needs to be done and working on it until it’s finished.

The physical part is my complete lack of muscle tone (even after a few weeks working out at the Y) and the fact that for some reason I get hypoglycemic every time I get a bit too strenuous, even at the Y. I’d love to know what’s up with that. I can eat a nice high protein meal first and still get that way. The mental roadblock is the harder one to deal with though. It’s such an effort to push myself out there sometimes, especially when out there means outside my house. Getting to my groups, the store or even mowing my lawn takes extreme effort on my part. I’m probably the only one freaking out about voting because of all the people that will be there.

Let’s just look at inside my house for now. Since someone came and played with my furnace and I now have heat for the first time in over a week, now there’s the dirty dishes, the dirty laundry, the cat hair everywhere, the unpacked boxes, the dirty litter boxes. The clear priority is the dishes and if I have a good day hopefully the laundry. Oh to have the ability I used to have to completely clean my house from top to bottom and have everything in it’s place. In fact, even though I’ve been here over two years now, everything doesn’t even have a place yet. That’s another challenge that seems beyond me. My sense of overwhelm is much lower than it used to be.

Today is Sunday. That means that I most definitely need to do dishes and laundry so I can eat and have clothes to wear the coming week. My cats would love me if I manage to take care of their litter boxes too. Never start with the little things because it’s a sure thing you won’t get the big ones done. Three slices of me right there.

Tomorrow I see my therapist and go to the Y and hopefully I also get up the courage to go vote. Three HUGE slices. Anything outside of my house and dealing with other people is a major effort.

I was reading a forum about disabled people and invisible disabilities, where I found a link to this post. I feel like a fraud that I feel the same way because of my mental state and not a legitimate physical problem, but I can so relate. I realize that I do exactly that. Need to make doctor appointments? Spread them out, never put two in the same day. I will say that I’ve gotten to be expert at prioritizing and knowing just which things can be put off indefinitely. I’m even better at rationalizing that I don’t need to deal with it at all.

I am in a serious slump again (as if you couldn’t tell) and crawling back out of the hole is always so hard. The slump started because I have been sitting here freezing my butt off for days. Impossible to do anything when chilled to the bone and huddling with my heating pad under a mountain of blankets. I am so annoyed at how hard it is to jump back in and me take a slice of life. In fact, it’s been years since I have been able to think of it as me taking a slice of life instead of life taking a slice of me. I hope I reach that point again someday and then my sun will surely be shining.

November 2nd, 2008 by sliloh | 10 Comments »

This is not good. I am doing just what the furnace guy did, put the fan always on, set the furnace on emergency heat. No heat. This is clearly not the same problem he said it was in March…or January…or December.  I am spending all of my time huddled in bed with my heating pad. Crap. Really. Maybe I should have bought that one I saw on Craigslist for $200. :p So I wonder what I’m supposed to do now? I’m thinking of deserting my house and dumping myself on family for the winter. Of course I can’t take the cats with me and I can’t leave them here to freeze or starve. I hope it warms up today because I’m too darn cold to do anything. It only got down to 37 degrees last night. I am not in a good mood, and Mir, I am not working on your Christmas present with my frozen little fingers :p

Edit: I didn’t think it was possible to be even more annoyed but by golly I am :p I skipped the Y this morning just to get home and call the furnace guy. Then, because my phone is a computer program, I sat down here ALL day in the cold waiting for him to call me back. I did hope I wasn’t going to have another freezing night. Bah! Heading to bed with my trusty heating pad.

October 27th, 2008 by sliloh | 5 Comments »

I am working on my daughter’s Christmas present, or maybe her birthday present, which is December 15th. I have my doubts about finishing it this year but I’m giving it my best shot! Of course I can’t tell you what it is because she reads here. I hope I have it mostly done before classes start again. Muahaha Mir, this should drive ya crazy! This project is killing my arthritic fingers. Anyway, that’s where I am in case anyone has been wondering

October 24th, 2008 by sliloh | 2 Comments »

It’s that time again! Registration is open now. Bean has split the blogging class into two, which should make it easier because there is much to absorb. The first is Blogging basics. This class will help you set up a blog and learn how to manage it. You will learn how to modify your theme and add widgets, How to find topic ideas and an introduction to social networking. For those who have that under their belt we have Blogging for Fun, Fame and Fortune which will teach about writing compelling content, gaining authority with your blog and networking with a community of other bloggers. This course will vary with input from students and that will make it doubly interesting! I hope you’ll join us, it’s really an eye opening and fun time!

Register for Blogging Basics at LVS Online.

Register for Blogging for Fun, Fame and Fortune at LVS Online.

October 13th, 2008 by sliloh | 10 Comments »

Not aliens but Internet Explorer. Luckily I didn’t have much on this one yet. Still, I stupidly forgot to backup my email and bookmarks and save them elsewhere first. I hope the Christmas present I ordered for my daughter comes since I’m not sure I can even find the website again.

Back a while ago when I was offline from Comcast and tried repairing my windows, it wouldn’t even let me log onto my computer because I was not online to activate windows! That is just plain bad management.

This is a new computer. As in a year ago on my birthday I bought all the parts at Newegg to build myself a great graphics computer that will last me forever (it’s going to have to). Unfortunately I apparently had no idea how to build it, so it sat here for over a year. I finally took it to a place in town and said just get it to boot. That was pretty cheap and I came home and installed everything. Other than that one validation glitch we were working like a charm. But I hadn’t gotten around to installing a lot of my graphics programs yet. So a couple of days ago I tried installing one of them and I got the message that I must close Internet Explorer first. What!?!? I don’t even use Internet Explorer but sure enough there it was in my processes. Simple enough, I terminate it. But wait! It pops right back up again. I decide to delete the darn thing. Oh carp, do you know if you have sp3 installed on Win XP you cannot delete Internet Explorer?

I head to Google and spend hours trying to find out what is calling it and forcing it to run, with no luck. I tried renaming it, nope, it just makes it all over again. So I did what any sane person would do, I reformated my drive. Now I have Windows reinstalled, my programs reinstalled and I am NOT going to update to sp3! If that makes security a problem on my computer, have at it.

Now if I can just find out how to make all those idiot speech balloons go away on my desktop and start menu. I did several solutions I found online but I am still getting some. Plus there’s that annoying messenger that won’t die no matter what I do. I told it not to load, I have the service disabled (which ought to be enough by itself), but no, every time I open my email program there it is. I think I am going to try deleting it, but I won’t be surprised if that’s not allowed either.

I don’t mind Microsoft making a program that even the ignorant masses can use but come on, give the rest of us a break!

October 10th, 2008 by sliloh | 6 Comments »

A memory to get me through the winter

October 8th, 2008 by sliloh | 8 Comments »