Note to self…when you are feeling so like garbage that you write the previous post, stop and think. The big clue is that when I told my doctor that I couldn’t keep track of when I was due a B12 shot, she said “If you start feeling awful, give yourself one.” Duh… So yeah, it helped somewhat. I still am wobbly, can’t do much and have migraines like I’ve never had before, but I’ve decided maybe I’m not dying after all.

This whole daily routine thing seems to be beyond me anymore. You know, like eating, sleeping, taking meds, doing housework. I think I need to make a chart like I used to have for my kids. But what in the world could I use as a reward? A gold star isn’t gonna cut it. A huge start would be to get out of this 30+ hour day thing I have going on. Someone mentioned it on one of my tumor posts, and asked if I was taking a melatonin supplement. Perhaps it’s time to look into that. In case you don’t know, your pineal gland regulates your circadian rhythm (it tells you when it’s day and night). Well being that my gland has gone missing, maybe a supplement would help me a lot.

Of course that isn’t going to cure the rest of this mess, but maybe it’s a step. The real issue is right here, and it isn’t going away. Adhd is not just about inattention, that part is bad enough. It’s also about getting too focused when it’s something you love. Boy do I remember my dad sitting up all night checkering his gun stocks. That’s what keeps me sitting here 30 to 40 hours straight mucking around with code. Everything in moderation doesn’t seem to be in my vocabulary.

I’m wrapped up in sad days so rather than listen to me whine, have a listen to something better.

Pink_Floyd-On_The_Turning_Away.mp3

That I could and would survive a years long major depression, I would have tried to take better care of myself. It was hard to see that there was any hope. So, hmm how do you believe that this too will pass and continue like that is true? Maybe more than believing you just need to keep doing, regardless. I’m not sure you can believe when you are that far down. These are the things I’d try to do differently:

• I would have eaten better, instead of starving myself to the point of emancipation. I’m not anorexic but the results were the same. When I’d try to eat, I’d get a couple bites down and just start gagging. I think ignoring my hunger pains for days on end because I was too damn depressed to go forage for food got my body accustomed to starvation.
• I’d have never started smoking again, thinking I won’t get addicted, or it won’t matter because I’m going to die anyway. Because of course there is no hope.
• I’d have stayed active and exercised. I was in better shape than my drill sergeant when I was in the army. I was in great shape right up until I got depressed. I never had to consciously work at it, I grew up with four brothers, out in the country. Trying to get back that muscle tone that I took so for granted all those years is hard .
• I’d have taken better care of my health, seeing doctors and dentists. Another thing that’s hard to actually do when you are convinced that the end will be suicide because there is no coming back from this one.
• I’d have not isolated myself so much. My first major depression was much more bearable because at least part of that time I was out with friends and no doubt partying too much. But during that time I was around people I liked, I was not overtly depressed. It was when I was alone again and reflecting on the hopelessness of my situation that I became suicidal.
• I would never again break the law during the commission of an attempted suicide. Because if you think your life is depressing already, get thrown in county jail for a week when you are already suicidal. (Yes, I know some of you are really, really wondering what that was about!)
• I’d have ECT sooner rather than after years worth of pharmaceuticals that did nothing except make me feel like crap. Like, pretty well immediately. ECT, it’s not just for breakfast anymore!



• I’d just try to hang tough. I’m not sure I could do it. Both the the major depressions I’ve had I attempted suicide. I’m only alive today because I was a coward and am adverse to pain.
• Be adverse to pain.
• Be a coward.
• Most of all, just remember. Remember that I survived it before and it’s not a permanent state of being.
• Remember what my brother told me; “This is not an emergency, you don’t need to act on it today”. (Bet you didn’t think I remembered did you, M?)

There you have it, my how-to tips for avoiding suicide. Plus, never discount the God who didn’t let any of my attempts succeed, because a couple of them should have.

Rem_-_Everybody_Hurts.mp3

I am fatigued beyond measure today. I’m long overdue for sleep but it’s not that. It’s all those little things I perceive as jabs coming from all directions. Hey, I know my perceptions are sometimes off (like most of the time) but I’d swear they are right on this last few days, and it isn’t a good feeling.  So  what do you do to get past this, when social interaction is so incredibly stressful even when you feel okay? I just want to crawl back into my deep dark hole. Wake me up in 40 years. I want to quit my group, my therapist, my brother (gee, wonder if he reads here? NOT!), Carriage House, none of them like me anyway. There’s a small possibility that is distorted thinking, but I only have actions to judge by.  There, that pretty well takes care of my sorry little life. And I left high school more years ago than I can remember so spare me the immature cliques. It’s been a long time since I thought “Oh shit, maybe I better go to the hospital so they can keep me safe” but today is one of those days. But then, I have no idea how to reach out for help so here I sit wallowing in it. Ah well, the only way to go is up, right? …RIGHT?

Beck-Loser.mp3