Since suicide is my scientific speciality (or not, considering how many times I failed at it), it seems appropriate that I would make a post today about suicide prevention. I actually have no idea how to prevent it. When I was so far down for so long, no hope, no vision of a happier future got through. The best prevention I’d say is to lock us up til it passes, no matter how long that might be. Unfortunately that won’t happen in America today. I begged for that, put me in a state hospital, dope me up on Thorazine so I’m too numb to care, let my kids come in once a month to watch me drool. I was clearly feeling pretty bad to consider that an option I could live with. In fact I thought it was the only option that would keep me alive. If I hadn’t had kids I wouldn’t have cared but oh that tremendous guilt I felt when I knew I was going to leave them that way. But even then, the idea of staying in this life was unacceptable. Only my aversion to physical pain kept me alive (well, that and the fact that it’s incredibly hard to get enough pills to just fall into an endless sleep).

My brother committed suicide. I knew he was depressed but he wasn’t overt about it like I was. He had good friends, he had the ability to be a good friend and act outwardly okay. I put my craziness out there for the whole world to see and I couldn’t have done it any different. Warren shot himself. I’m way too cowardly to try that. I did slit my wrists once and damn, that hurt. So I tried pills (x4), I tried sitting in a running car with a dryer vent duct taped from the tailgate to the window (x2). Let me tell you, it’s really hard to die that way, or God was looking out for me. It also makes you very sick for days afterward. Dorothy Parker got it right: “Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.”

There is an article on CNN today; “Embracing life after suicide attempt” and while her challenges were different than mine (she’s bipolar), our end result could have been the same. It’s not the same though, because she calls her article Embracing Life. I don’t really do that, I tolerate life. When my therapist says “You aren’t getting better.” I want to scream “But at least I’m not getting worse!” I’ve been there and this is okay. I mean, I think this is as good as it’s going to get and I can Live with that. In her article Melody says “The dangerous thing about silence is that it breeds shame and isolation.” Well, I’m an expert on shame, isolation and being totally unacceptable, so don’t rub it in.

When Warren died, I wanted to die too. I grieved so much for his pain. It was perfectly okay for me to feel that way most of my life, but I loved him, it was not okay at all. And that’s really the gist of it all. I loved him but I don’t love me.

I’m no Melody Moezzi (see above article), there is nothing redeeming in my post. I’m glad it’s not on CNN where all those jerks who are being snots to her might find me. Way to go with the compassion there folks, you are the crazy ones if you think we enjoy feeling this way. In the end, I suppose compassion and empathy are better suicide preventatives than all the pills in the world.

• Go to Scotland
  Of course this will require money, and lots of work at the Y so I can actually hike a bit.
• Go to Ireland
  Same here. I told my kids if I finally ever went I’d probably spend the whole time in my room on the computer
• Volunteer at the SPCA
  This one would be somewhat doable, but until I get some stamina, only for short time periods.
• Make money designing web sites
  Also doable (as soon as I get the courage to market myself) and even better if I don’t have to talk to people in person!
• Join a camera club
  Might be too scared to tackle this one, but maybe some day.
• Join the Ymca again to get my poor body back in shape
  Very doable as soon as I get the money for membership. I already know that even though there are lots of people there, I don’t have to talk to any of them.

So, heh, I only need four more to add to my list of things that I’ll probably never do.

Note to self…when you are feeling so like garbage that you write the previous post, stop and think. The big clue is that when I told my doctor that I couldn’t keep track of when I was due a B12 shot, she said “If you start feeling awful, give yourself one.” Duh… So yeah, it helped somewhat. I still am wobbly, can’t do much and have migraines like I’ve never had before, but I’ve decided maybe I’m not dying after all.

This whole daily routine thing seems to be beyond me anymore. You know, like eating, sleeping, taking meds, doing housework. I think I need to make a chart like I used to have for my kids. But what in the world could I use as a reward? A gold star isn’t gonna cut it. A huge start would be to get out of this 30+ hour day thing I have going on. Someone mentioned it on one of my tumor posts, and asked if I was taking a melatonin supplement. Perhaps it’s time to look into that. In case you don’t know, your pineal gland regulates your circadian rhythm (it tells you when it’s day and night). Well being that my gland has gone missing, maybe a supplement would help me a lot.

Of course that isn’t going to cure the rest of this mess, but maybe it’s a step. The real issue is right here, and it isn’t going away. Adhd is not just about inattention, that part is bad enough. It’s also about getting too focused when it’s something you love. Boy do I remember my dad sitting up all night checkering his gun stocks. That’s what keeps me sitting here 30 to 40 hours straight mucking around with code. Everything in moderation doesn’t seem to be in my vocabulary.

My therapist says William is good for me because he makes a pest of himself and forces me to be social. Ever since kindergarten when I used to say I was sick to skip school, I’ve had this problem. Social stuff feels overwhelming to me. I learned early on I was no good at it. So yesterday because I refuse to do anything requiring interacting with people, he told me to list 10 things I would enjoy (I think he means things that require interaction with other humans). Ten?! Right this moment I can’t even think of one….blame the bloody migraine.

Product Description:

Suicidal Behaviour: Assessment of People provides a psychometric analysis of various aspects associated with suicidal risk assessment to understand the suicidal personality and predict suicidal behavior.

I’m pretty sure I can tell when I’m suicidal without having a book “assess” it for me

Pink_Floyd-On_The_Turning_Away.mp3

• I would have eaten better, instead of starving myself to the point of emancipation. I’m not anorexic but the results were the same. When I’d try to eat, I’d get a couple bites down and just start gagging. I think ignoring my hunger pains for days on end because I was too damn depressed to go forage for food got my body accustomed to starvation.
• I’d have never started smoking again, thinking I won’t get addicted, or it won’t matter because I’m going to die anyway. Because of course there is no hope.
• I’d have stayed active and exercised. I was in better shape than my drill sergeant when I was in the army. I was in great shape right up until I got depressed. I never had to consciously work at it, I grew up with four brothers, out in the country. Trying to get back that muscle tone that I took so for granted all those years is hard .
• I’d have taken better care of my health, seeing doctors and dentists. Another thing that’s hard to actually do when you are convinced that the end will be suicide because there is no coming back from this one.
• I’d have not isolated myself so much. My first major depression was much more bearable because at least part of that time I was out with friends and no doubt partying too much. But during that time I was around people I liked, I was not overtly depressed. It was when I was alone again and reflecting on the hopelessness of my situation that I became suicidal.
• I would never again break the law during the commission of an attempted suicide. Because if you think your life is depressing already, get thrown in county jail for a week when you are already suicidal. (Yes, I know some of you are really, really wondering what that was about!)
• I’d have ECT sooner rather than after years worth of pharmaceuticals that did nothing except make me feel like crap. Like, pretty well immediately. ECT, it’s not just for breakfast anymore!



• I’d just try to hang tough. I’m not sure I could do it. Both the the major depressions I’ve had I attempted suicide. I’m only alive today because I was a coward and am adverse to pain.
• Be adverse to pain.
• Be a coward.
• Most of all, just remember. Remember that I survived it before and it’s not a permanent state of being.
• Remember what my brother told me; “This is not an emergency, you don’t need to act on it today”. (Bet you didn’t think I remembered did you, M?)

There you have it, my how-to tips for avoiding suicide. Plus, never discount the God who didn’t let any of my attempts succeed, because a couple of them should have.

Rem_-_Everybody_Hurts.mp3

Beck-Loser.mp3

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Sometimes that’s a pretty hard thing. Especially forgiving myself. What do I need forgiving for? Being mentally ill, being so depressed that I couldn’t hold it together for my own kids. I know it was beyond my control so why can’t I forgive myself? I think I’m a pretty forgiving person, if it had been anyone else I would have complete sympathy. Well, I do hope I figure out how someday but I must admit I have no idea how, or why it’s so hard for me.

There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. First of all, one must acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong. Secondly, one must then experience feelings of guilt and regret. Finally, one must overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.~http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/share/320

I take full responsibility, I’m full of remorse and shame, it’s the overcoming part I’m having trouble with. So let me voice my regret; To my dear daughters, I’m sorry for all you lost when I became ill. It eats at me that I could not keep it together just when I needed to most. Melissa, it was worse for you. At least your sister was old enough to remember a time that wasn’t like that and a me that wasn’t like that. The worst is, that if I had to go back and do it all again, I don’t think I could have changed the outcome. The outcome has changed me irrevocably as it has both of you. I have always wanted only the best for you, you are my heart.

As to forgiving others, I think I’m pretty good at that. I don’t hold grudges (much). Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I think I’m pretty easy about that sort of thing.

Just to let you know I’m not a complete angel, I don’t forgive my “friend” with the prosthetic leg who stole my car. I still swear if I ever see him on the street I’ll knock him on his ass and steal his leg and see how he likes having his transportation stolen.

Perhaps I find it easier to forgive unintentional offenses, but then do the others really deserve forgiveness? I know it’s supposed to be for your own peace of mind but I’m not sure I’m capable of that. If they expressed regret, I could forgive easily. If they have no remorse, no they aren’t forgiven.