I’m rethinking this quote: “Know how sublime a thing it is to suffer and be strong.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. There is nothing sublime about it.

Sublime:

1. Elevated or lofty in thought, language, etc.: Paradise Lost is sublime poetry.
2. Impressing the mind with a sense of grandeur or power; inspiring awe, veneration, etc.: Switzerland has sublime scenery.
3. Supreme or outstanding: a sublime dinner.
4. Complete; absolute; utter: sublime stupidity.
5. Archaic.
   • Of lofty bearing.
   • Haughty.
6. Archaic. raised high; high up.

No, there is nothing sublime about suffering. You can only endure, which of course is better than the alternative. And oh how you appreciate when the suffering comes to an end!  Of both physical and mental pain, I found the mental to be the worst by far and yes, I can sometimes feel sublime that I bloody well survived it. Well, wait a minute, I have to say the same about physical pain. But I don’t suffer and be strong. I endure. That’s all, simply get through this. So maybe the sublime is the after effect and I guess that’s okay but I’d like to feel some of that ‘lofty thought’ when I’m going through it.

Of all physical ailments I have been lucky. The biggest bane in my life is my migraines. Between the head pain and the nausea I’ve considered death would be a cheerful alternative. Only momentarily though, unlike with my mental anguish where I was convinced it was the only solution. Still, it’s hard just lying there for days on end waiting for this incessant pain to end. That is how I spent the majority of last week. Now, my pain is gone but I’m far from sublime. Now I get to go through the shaky few days of feeling all out of whack and trying to get to eating again and moving around without wobbling. Thankfully my headaches aren’t often as bad as this one was, but hey, I only lost about 6 days.

I chose to suffer through it rather than buy that precious little pill that would have saved me those days of misery because I swore to myself that I’ll no longer buy it if I have to charge it. Why it has to be so ridiculously expensive I don’t know. Not to mention that I can’t even get enough to keep me going through a month anyway. I’m already not taking other prescribed medicines because I can’t afford them so I really can’t justify that one. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. If I had a job and missed a whole week because of a migraine, where would I, and my employer be? Heh, I’m thinking I’d be right where I am now, unemployed. The way of the world, the drug companies get rich off the ones who can afford it and the rest are doomed to suffer.

I’ll leave the feeling sublime to greater souls than me. They can enjoy their lofty thoughts while I wobble my way back to normality.

On my journey through this 13 year depression, which I saw no hope of ever coming back from, I have made huge progress. Sometimes you backslide again, and that old hopeless feeling hits. That is the worst part, that when you are in that place, you can see no hope, no surety that this is temporary.

The very worst moment I ever had, well it wasn’t really, but it signified all that I had lost, so I’ll recount it here. I left California to come back to Michigan, where I had already sent my kids since I was unable to work. Rented a huge truck, paid some people to load it up and drove across the country with my pets and everything I owned. I slept in the truck at truckstops since I didn’t have enough money for rooms. Got to my parents house and cleaned out my dads barn so I could put my stuff there. Then he told me I couldn’t. I wish he’d told me that before I brought it all the way across the country at that huge expense. I was at the end of my rope, had $20 left to my name and it was more than I could deal with. I came home because I was too far gone to work. So I got a couple of guys from 2 men and a truck to unload it (paid for by my friends who had my kids) and I told them to take whatever they wanted and throw the rest out in the horse pasture to burn. They thought it was Christmas and brought friends with trucks to haul away all my appliances and furniture (I still miss my beloved china cabinet). Then my dear father called his girlfriend (yes, he was still married to and living with my mother) and told her to come over and help herself to anything out there she might be able to use. The pile sat in the horse pasture for months and I was wandering out there one day and I found a Christmas ornament Melissa had made in kindergarten, made with popsicle sticks and her picture. I will never get over how I felt, finding that tossed out there like so much junk. That is when I knew there was no coming back from this one.

Well, I was wrong, you CAN come back from just about anything. I still waver between thinking my brother had the right idea with his suicide, because some of us aren’t fixable, to seeing hope for my future. I don’t know if I will ever reach a point to say that suicide is not an alternative. But for today, at least, it isn’t and that’s all I can hope for right now.

It has been slow progress these years and a great lack of any real help. Of course, when you are that far down I don’t think there is much they can do. I finally had ECT. Why it took them so long to decide on that I have no idea. I was in the hospital more times than I remember. But ECT was the beginning of the long road back for me. Even after that while I wasn’t actively suicidal, I saw no future or hope for the future. There were a few times I had to get it together; in 2003 when I had to make a decision about my growing brain tumor and successfully handled getting it scheduled at Duke and getting myself there, in 2006 when my daughter graduated and I had to move (the ssdi benefits for her cut off at graduation) and I could find nothing I could afford in Michigan, I looked on realtor.com and ended up buying a house I can afford (with nothing down!) in Indiana. But between those periods I’ve had many weeks of hiding in my hole as I call it.

So I suppose it’s not surprising that I went from functioning extremely well (for me) the last few months to a familiar revisit with my old friend depression. What was the trigger? Nothing that I can figure out except a 5 day migraine that is the worst I ever had. But doing nothing but lying around in pain and being able to do nothing but THINK about that pain was apparently enough to set it off. So here I sit, I won’t go out to get Saturday’s mail because there are always PEOPLE out there. I won’t go mow my front lawn for same reason. My dishes need doing, my house needs cleaning, my garden needs weeding and I need a bath. I stink and I don’t care, no one here to smell me anyway, right? It seems like it’s been much longer than a week since I saw my therapist, how’d I lose this much in a week? I hope I manage to drag myself in there tomorrow morning.

The memory of my recent steps forward haven’t faded yet so I am hopeful this is just a slight backslide. Maybe slighter than it feels since I’m actually putting it on here for the world to see. This is an image (contains nudity!) I did a few years ago. I actually posted it at 3DCommune at the time and had a critical comment and immediately deleted it. I have since reposted it as part of my story so to speak. I never welcome these visits but I know them like an old friend…no, an old enemy.

I’m still having it. Three days now. I absolutely refuse to buy my dear Maxalt if I have to charge it. I’ll never get out of the hole at this rate. I felt so bad last night I thought about driving myself to the E.R. but geez, I felt too sick to do that. I’ve had some bad ones over the years but this time I think I jinxed myself because I was sitting here thinking, wow, I haven’t had a headache in weeks! I never manage to go weeks. I’m thinking more often is preferable if they don’t hurt this bad. It’s a bloody shame that the only med that works is unaffordable to me.

I tried talking my brain into straightening the problem out. I meditated, I concentrated but to no avail. Sometimes I can make that work, if only for a few fleeting seconds. A few seconds is better than none! I’ve got to learn how to train my brain to undo whatever is happening in there. I’m sure it’s possible, all that unleashed potential. In the meantime I just keep telling myself, this too shall pass. So hurry it up already!

Man, I have got the headache from hell today. Even my beloved Maxalt isn’t kicking it. I have gotten these headaches for 30 years or so but like the freak I am I never bothered with a dr for them. One day I just happened to mention it to my doc, you know headaches that last 3 days, completely debilitating, the nausea, and he says that’s a migraine and gave me my miracle Heh, who knew.

Last year I suddenly had this dizzy thing happening. I mean my equilibrium was totally whacked. Even worse than when I found out I had a brain tumor. So I’m thinking uhoh, my tumor is doing bad things. I go to an ENT dr for extensive testing where they do cool things like strap me in a chair blindfolded and spin me. Good fun there! After several hours and several $1000 dollars they tell me I have inner ear damage from my migraines. Indeed, who knew.