Coming back to life

I believe I am, after all this time, indeed coming back to life. I thought I was too far down to ever climb back out of that hole. Wow am I thankful I was wrong. It’s a terrible thing when all you feel is pain and joy is not even a distant memory. Okay, enough of that gush, even though I feel that way and wanted to say it. To feel joy is a precious gift.

Firstly, I completed my goals of setting up all my doctor appointments. The getting to them will be easier than the reaching out and calling to set them up was.

Then, after group today (as per my ambitious plan), I stopped at the YMCA. Wandered all about all on my own and finally found the cool equipment I was looking for. Even better said equipment shows how to use each machine and tells you which muscles it works (can you tell I’ve never been to a place like this before?) so I didn’t have to get brave enough to ask for help. I was set! Rode a bike that measured my heart rate til my legs gave out. Then I found the room with all the cool machines. So I used every one of them til my muscles felt like they’d had enough. I expected, with the state of my body, that I’d last maybe 10 minutes in there the first time. I was there for 45! We’ll see how my muscles feel tomorrow. My plan is to go the days I go to group since it’s right on the way. That will be Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m so glad I got the courage to actually do it. I just feel so much more competent already. This might be hard to understand for someone who hadn’t lost all that they were (or at least thought so). Yeah, I’m stoked!

Oh, and my therapist told me today he thought I was ready for the advanced DBT group. Wow, only took me two years to pass the beginner one I’m not so sure of course. I know the skills extremely well after all the repeats, but do I actually know how to use them? I feel like that is a big no. Part of the reason for that is being a total recluse and moving to a city away from my family and everyone I know, I have had no one to practice on (or would that be with?). If he thinks I’m ready, I’ll go for it, which is not something I would have agreed to 6 months ago.

All in all, life could be better, as in actually have friends and doing things, but that wasn’t possiible when I was filled with pain, self-hatred and shame. For now, I am happy and life feels fine.