Pain and Misery

I’m rethinking this quote: “Know how sublime a thing it is to suffer and be strong.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. There is nothing sublime about it.

Sublime:

1. Elevated or lofty in thought, language, etc.: Paradise Lost is sublime poetry.
2. Impressing the mind with a sense of grandeur or power; inspiring awe, veneration, etc.: Switzerland has sublime scenery.
3. Supreme or outstanding: a sublime dinner.
4. Complete; absolute; utter: sublime stupidity.
5. Archaic.
   • Of lofty bearing.
   • Haughty.
6. Archaic. raised high; high up.

No, there is nothing sublime about suffering. You can only endure, which of course is better than the alternative. And oh how you appreciate when the suffering comes to an end!  Of both physical and mental pain, I found the mental to be the worst by far and yes, I can sometimes feel sublime that I bloody well survived it. Well, wait a minute, I have to say the same about physical pain. But I don’t suffer and be strong. I endure. That’s all, simply get through this. So maybe the sublime is the after effect and I guess that’s okay but I’d like to feel some of that ‘lofty thought’ when I’m going through it.

Of all physical ailments I have been lucky. The biggest bane in my life is my migraines. Between the head pain and the nausea I’ve considered death would be a cheerful alternative. Only momentarily though, unlike with my mental anguish where I was convinced it was the only solution. Still, it’s hard just lying there for days on end waiting for this incessant pain to end. That is how I spent the majority of last week. Now, my pain is gone but I’m far from sublime. Now I get to go through the shaky few days of feeling all out of whack and trying to get to eating again and moving around without wobbling. Thankfully my headaches aren’t often as bad as this one was, but hey, I only lost about 6 days.

I chose to suffer through it rather than buy that precious little pill that would have saved me those days of misery because I swore to myself that I’ll no longer buy it if I have to charge it. Why it has to be so ridiculously expensive I don’t know. Not to mention that I can’t even get enough to keep me going through a month anyway. I’m already not taking other prescribed medicines because I can’t afford them so I really can’t justify that one. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. If I had a job and missed a whole week because of a migraine, where would I, and my employer be? Heh, I’m thinking I’d be right where I am now, unemployed. The way of the world, the drug companies get rich off the ones who can afford it and the rest are doomed to suffer.

I’ll leave the feeling sublime to greater souls than me. They can enjoy their lofty thoughts while I wobble my way back to normality.