A few months ago I began talking to someone I’ve known for 8 years online. He talked me into giving up my hermitage (is that a word?) and giving a relationship a chance. Let me tell you, it took some convincing. I never met anyone like him before. I could tell him anything. He was so understanding and compassionate. Plus our sense of humor was on the same wavelength. We spent hours talking. There were a few troubling little fibs that I chose to ignore (I know, bad, bad, bad) but I thought he was pretty much what he presented himself as. He had a money problem and I sent him a lot of money (yeah, beat myself in the head). Well, at the time I felt like I could afford to help.
He came to visit me, got here on my birthday. Once he was here we never talked like we had on the phone. He was somewhat critical of me and anyone who knows anything about me knows that won’t go over well. He drank…a lot…and never offered a penny towards it. I live on disability, I can’t afford that and I generally don’t drink at all but I was trying to be a good hostess. But the tall tales, that was the worst. When someone lies to you, everything they’ve ever told you is brought into doubt.
After he was home again I still tried talking to him. Looking for the guy I thought I’d got to know. But like my therapist keeps telling me, that guy wasn’t real. He was so charming and I swear I have none. I wanted to be able to be like him. Heh. The last time we talked, I had meningitis and instead of concern, all he did was talk about his money woes. I have quite a few of those myself now and he contributed to them.
I guess the moral of the story is that I should be glad I’m real (and honest) even if I’m not a charmer. So I’m getting used to the being alone again. Sometimes though, I wish I had the ability to be such a wonderful person as he appeared to be. Mostly I feel like a fool.
Hey Anita,
Where/how have you been? I have missed you.
As always you post such gutsy messages. All I can say is this guy sure must be able to “talk.” And be convincing and verbally entertaining. It reminds of a situation from years ago. Someone had given my name to this guy to contact me. I forget why. Must have been a good reason. He called. We talked for several hours on the phone – fabulous talk. Laughing a lot. So much to discuss. Things in common. So I let him come over to meet in person. It was a disaster. We couldn’t stand each other in person. Isn’t that weird?
But then I know people I like a lot and talk to in person and on the phone but they are incapable of writing a letter or an email – like they are retarded.
People!
XO,
Adele
Hi Adele
Yeah, I thought I’d finally broke my habit of picking bad boys. He was a different sort of bad boy I guess.
I’ve not had a good year, still losing weight but not feeling as horrible as I was early in the year. They never did figure out anything and now I’m to the point I have to be done messing with doctors for about a year so I can get out of debt from all their bloody tests! lol
I followed your conversations in class but didn’t pipe up. Sometimes this being withdrawn thing becomes way too much of a habit.
Anita
Hey there,
One real, honest person like you is worth a thousand fake charmers. It’s good that you got out before you ended up in a serious relationship with a drunken narcissist.
I sometimes wonder if withdrawing and isolating are part of the artist personality package. There are SO many of us who do it.
-Heidi (butterfly_fish)
True enough Heidi. I’m missing what I thought was real and not the reality.
I think you may be right. I know plenty of artists who do the same.
Hi Anita. I have a distant relative who fits this mold — charmer above all charmers, but who will gladly lift you of your money. Legally or illegally. You offer a hundred he’ll wipe out your account. Always with the poor-me-I’m-so-mistreated-yet-look-how-wonderful-I-am stories. He has taken a few trusting women to the cleaners. I’m so glad he lives across the country! You don’t deserve that — no one does.
Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you… you learned. Next time get references!
Heidi makes a good point.
Yeah, never thought I should have to do background checks on someone I’ve known so long. Oh well, no fool like an old fool :p