Had my therapist appointment this morning and ask for clarification on the ten things I would enjoy doing. Yes, he does mean things that require being social. (okay, I knew that, I was just stalling). So here is my list:

• Go to Scotland
  Of course this will require money, and lots of work at the Y so I can actually hike a bit.
• Go to Ireland
  Same here. I told my kids if I finally ever went I’d probably spend the whole time in my room on the computer
• Volunteer at the SPCA
  This one would be somewhat doable, but until I get some stamina, only for short time periods.
• Make money designing web sites
  Also doable (as soon as I get the courage to market myself) and even better if I don’t have to talk to people in person!
• Join a camera club
  Might be too scared to tackle this one, but maybe some day.
• Join the Ymca again to get my poor body back in shape
  Very doable as soon as I get the money for membership. I already know that even though there are lots of people there, I don’t have to talk to any of them.

So, heh, I only need four more to add to my list of things that I’ll probably never do.

According to all the spam I just emptied, all is not lost that my pineal gland is gone missing. They are guaranteeing that they can enlarge my penis!! I really don’t understand the point of that. They can’t possibly sell stuff by spamming totally inappropriate posts can they? Of course if I was a guy with a little weenie, maybe I’d fall for it. But why are they putting that on a post about a brain tumor? or a post about depression and suicide? Really., I promise I’m not depressed because I have a teeny weewee

Oh give me the spam of old, which was at least totally hilarious. It’s unfortunate that the story in it’s entirety seems to be gone, it was quite the saga. I spent days enjoying it

Then there’s the scammers, and w00t!…as soon as I finally collect from all those poor widows and cancerous folks, I’m going to be a bazillionaire! It’s fairly amusing to read about the folks that actually take the time to string the scammers along for a while.

The saddest part of all, is that my blog is so lame, that’s about all the comments I get. Except for my few ever faithful and I thank you my friends, for that. You are so much more interesting reading than plowing through pages of spam to see if there is anything worthwhile in there. (P.S. I remember when I first started I wanted to publish the spam, just so I’d have some comments! ).

Note to self…when you are feeling so like garbage that you write the previous post, stop and think. The big clue is that when I told my doctor that I couldn’t keep track of when I was due a B12 shot, she said “If you start feeling awful, give yourself one.” Duh… So yeah, it helped somewhat. I still am wobbly, can’t do much and have migraines like I’ve never had before, but I’ve decided maybe I’m not dying after all.

This whole daily routine thing seems to be beyond me anymore. You know, like eating, sleeping, taking meds, doing housework. I think I need to make a chart like I used to have for my kids. But what in the world could I use as a reward? A gold star isn’t gonna cut it. A huge start would be to get out of this 30+ hour day thing I have going on. Someone mentioned it on one of my tumor posts, and asked if I was taking a melatonin supplement. Perhaps it’s time to look into that. In case you don’t know, your pineal gland regulates your circadian rhythm (it tells you when it’s day and night). Well being that my gland has gone missing, maybe a supplement would help me a lot.

Of course that isn’t going to cure the rest of this mess, but maybe it’s a step. The real issue is right here, and it isn’t going away. Adhd is not just about inattention, that part is bad enough. It’s also about getting too focused when it’s something you love. Boy do I remember my dad sitting up all night checkering his gun stocks. That’s what keeps me sitting here 30 to 40 hours straight mucking around with code. Everything in moderation doesn’t seem to be in my vocabulary.

Lately I think a lot that I am not long for this world. That’s probably because I feel like shit most of the time. I have migraines more days than not, I have no muscle tone and feel horrible whenever I try to do something to fix that problem. I can’t even be on my feet for more than a few minutes without thinking I’m going to pass out or be sick. I can’t even get food down half the time when I manage to wobble my way to the kitchen to nuke something. I mean geez, am I somehow too far gone to recover? Here’s where the depression comes in though….who really cares? Oh I know my kids care. I know people love me, but my life or lack thereof is a joke and I don’t care. I’m sick of it all, I’ve spent a year feeling like crap and I don’t see an end. I have no life and no friends here (okay, there is William) and that is my own fault but it’s more than I’m up to trying to fix when I feel lousy. I need a rehab center of my own. And a physical therapist apparently. Instead I sit here musing about donating my body to science vs the body farm, since I can’t afford to die either

My therapist says William is good for me because he makes a pest of himself and forces me to be social. Ever since kindergarten when I used to say I was sick to skip school, I’ve had this problem. Social stuff feels overwhelming to me. I learned early on I was no good at it. So yesterday because I refuse to do anything requiring interacting with people, he told me to list 10 things I would enjoy (I think he means things that require interaction with other humans). Ten?! Right this moment I can’t even think of one….blame the bloody migraine.